Just below the surface...

Since I got the "big boost" (as I've been calling it) the other week, I've felt like I'm treading water and slowly sinking. My "to-do" list is ever growing and many tasks have been re-re-re-prioritized to the point of almost being lost. I know what you're thinking:

"It's just fucking work, FM. Ease up on yourself. You're gonna burn yourself out."

And of course, you're right. It should be that easy, but it's not. I spend more time at work than anywhere else. It is the primary function of my life at this point. Yes, my family is first and foremost in my priorities. But in my head, all this working is FOR THEM (even though it ultimately keeps me from them much of the time). I work hard to make their lives better. I work so hard that right now, right this very second, my life sucks. I'm tired, I'm a ball of stress and my nose is at water level.

I've got a meeting presentation to put together (the meeting is tomorrow), a huge project due Friday (today is Tuesday), a 2 page self description for the new HR manager they have brought in (due ASAP), a budget meeting this morning justifying all the shit I spent money on, production scheduling three days a week, training my replacement for my former position while running my former area and learning and running my new area, all the while keeping the wolves at bay as the transition occurs. I'm up to my eyeballs.

When I read the above paragraph, I almost stop breathing. I slip beneath the surface, stretch my hands up and grasp for a hand that won't come and plunge into darkness. Gone...

But then I stop typing, stand up, peek in on my sleeping children, put on my shoes and coat, creep out the door into the early morning darkness, get into my cursed car and head off for another day of treading like the good little bee I have become.

Buzz, buzz...


Prologue -

My present situation cannot last long. I will fall apart soon. If this is a test, I am barely passing. My resolve is fading. I am losing my grip on things. I am falling behind never to regain control. I cannot imagine a two-day weekend let alone time to use the three weeks of vacation I need to use this year. I don't know whether to cry, scream or implode. Time will tell.

It's just a fucking job.