When I was a small child (my parents told me) I used to laugh in my sleep. Mrs Mungus says sometimes I still do. I don't remember any of those dreams, but I do remember waking up at times thinking "THAT WAS FUCKING BRILLIANT!!" My unconscious mind has a knack for creating hilarious situations. My waking mind keeps me entertained as well. And that's the problem.
Sometimes (usually at the most inappropriate times) my mind finds the most ridiculously skewed way of seeing things. Picture being called into an executive meeting (I'm no executive mind you, but for some reason I am often asked to represent my group for the uppity-ups in the front office), sitting back waiting your turn to speak, and suddenly noticing an individual in the room with a slight speech impediment. This man (let's call him "Jim") verbalizes "L"s as "W"s. No shit.
Bob (the Lab Technician): I understand how the system can be used to manage our inventory, but how will items be identified?
Jim: You mean how will you wable your wacker?
Bob: Excuse me?
Jim: You want to know what the wable will wook wike for your wacker?
Bob: Yes. What will the label for our lacquers look like?
My boss's boss's boss is in the room. And I am quickly losing it. And NOBODY else is in on the joke. I asked people afterwards. No one fucking heard it but me. The conversation turns to generating "wables for the wift" and I audibly snort. I excuse myself as though I am having some sort of medical emergency and collapse in the hallway. Holy fucking shit that was funny.
Have you ever been in that situation? Everyone else is in "serious mode" and you're in the corner chuckling to yourself, holding back explosive laughter? Yup, I'm usually that guy. The guy that laughs at funerals. The guy that seeks out those forbidden videos of people getting hurt or killed. The guy who watched "Faces of Death" for a laugh.
At times my propensity for finding the humor in the darkest situations has reached it's limit. My sister was in a really bad accident in the late 90's. The house was empty and I was home with a friend watching bad movies. We were pretty stoned. The phone rang and I was too high to answer it. The machine picked it up and my friend and I listened as my mother's shaken voice explained that sis was in the hospital and may never walk again. I swear to you I've never laughed so hard. "Picture that!!" was the only phrase I could say. I laughed and said it again and again. It was funny. Until Mom showed up. She asked me to come with her to the hospital. I got in the drivers seat (now totally sober), Mom in the passenger seat and my friend in the back. I drove my friend home. None of us said a word the entire ride. When we got to the hospital, my Dad (who lives 3,000 miles away in California - 6 hour flight) was waiting. How long had it been since the accident and me finding out? I was off fucking partying while my family was facing the first of many terrible trials? Did they try to find me or was I so far out of reach they dismissed me? Mom is gone now, so I'll never know.
My sister never did walk again. That's not funny.
37! (in a row?)
4 weeks ago
5 comments:
I giggled uncontrollably at the promotional video for Disneyland, for no reason whatsoever, every looked at me like I was a raving idiot!
At work I got a slight reputation as being both a technical guru and a surrealist. I was working on stuff two grades higher than I was paid, taking responsibility and travelling up and down England for work, and I'd end up in the middle of a break during a meeting going off a complete tangent.
I used to write poetry about being bored senseless, turn policy documents in to childrens fairy tales, pass artist criticism on technical drawings and edit emails for things they were missing (for example, not slamming the photocopier lid because of cracks to glass, and adding about once the glass breaks the copier elves can escape and then listing the dangers).
Early on in my job I was written up for "unprofessional comedic commentary" on one of our production documents. I was not only logging the events of the evening, but the weather, number of smoke breaks by my coworkers and the pointless conversations we were having (one of my coworkers was completely blown away when I explained to him that trees do in fact die of old age. He was of the belief that all trees regardless of genus would all grow to the size of Redwoods if left to themselves - I thought my boss should know the level of intelligence of his workers).
I got away with a damn lot and still had managers liking me. I think once you've shown that not only are you overly capable but also not afraid of being lectured, you get away with a lot.
Case in point: I worked for Fraud Investigation in Welfare, we had a meeting in our office with the high ups for our region including the regional Head of Fraud and Security. They'd come visit our section all day, I accidently left my computer smart card in the reader when I went to lunch because a manager needed to use my email. I come back and called in to the meeting room, I've got my team leader and her colleagues(3 grades higher than me, their superiors, 4 grades higher than me, and the Regional head), the Head holds up my smart card and says "One of us has been quite naughty and should know better"
I looked at my smart card and then at him.."Yes, any found smart cards are supposed to be handed in to the secure unit in Finance, as Head of Security, I'd have thought you were aware that you were breaking the rules..."
My manager cringes, several other managers who know me smirk, the Head looks dumbfounded and then says "Maybe we can cut a deal?" and hands it back to me with a laugh.
Three hours later, I'm being bollocked by my manager for talking back, breaking rules and generally embarrassing her, but she can't formally discipline me. Meanwhile, the Head starts arranging for me to work on some projects for him.
I would've never taken you for a wise-ass, Guise!! What a great story. And the big boss giving projects is the perfect happy ending. When in doubt, impress your boss's boss, FTW!!
The common workplace needs a little humor now and again. It keeps pressure from building up and postpones the inevitable workplace shooting (in America anyway. Hard to avoid here).
I'm ever the professional. I never got told off.
http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog/?p=367
Post a Comment